My fear for the FBI man was that his spirit did not want to be healed. -Albert Hosteen · The Blessing Way



The Philes

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Remember When

01/2005 deathwish

thumbnail Hi guys!
When Decemberlady asked me to prepare something for this month, I of course started to browse through all my works desperately trying to find a graphic that would match Remember When. Unfortunately after a while, I had to state that there is no special x-files memory behind any of my works. Sad, isn't it? I started creating long after I became an x-files fan. What's more, becoming a fan took me much time because my mum didn't want me to watch such a "horrible" series. Remember that I was very small when The X-Files started to be aired in Poland. And even when I was big enough to oppose my mum and say that I will watch this series, I still didn't have a comp; not to mention that I had no idea what a computer graphic was. =) All my works remind me rather about the progress that I was making in creating collages. With this one I started using brushes, with this one I discovered using more layers, with this I used texture for the first time and so on... No "x-files depth" behind any of my graphics.

There is, however, one work of mine that is especially close to my heart and although it has no more to do with The X-Files than it's made of Scully and Mulder's pics, I decided to share it and it's story with you.

The work is called Dying Faith and the date at the files tells me I made it at the end of August '02, but I can't be sure whether I didn't make any changes after the first version was finished. That way or another, it's a very old work - there's my old nickname on it. =) Why is this particular work so close to my heart? Well, for many personal reasons. I don't really know where to begin. But let's just put it straight: that period of my life when I created it was the darkest and saddest time of my life. I was struggling with myself for a will to live and unfortunately I was losing this fight over and over again. I didn't know my path back then and I was very afraid of my future. I was dwelling in a thick gloom constantly thinking about death. Luckily I had my best friend by my side, who managed to convince me that my time hadn't come then and that my life wasn't completely useless. Only a bit. =) Now I can laugh at myself, but at that time... well there was nothing to even smile at for me.

What's more, in the end of summer '02 I realized I was in love. Probably for the first time. In love with someone who I considered my best friend and who lived far away from me. There was nothing I could've done with this feeling so I simply suppresed it within. But when you're in love you suddenly realize how lonely you are. You start to notice all those pairs in love and you wonder why not you? When that stupid love hit me I was completely unprepared and helpless. With time I learned how to live with loneliness as my best friend.

Summer of 2002 was also a time when I was discovering - my today favourite band - Nightwish (btw - I got to know them thanks to this guy...). I bought my first cd of Nightwish - 'Wishmaster' - when I was in Warsaw, so before I had a chance to listen to the music I had much time to study their lyrics very precisely. And it's worth to mention that earlier my friend recommended me to download two ballads - Sleeping Sun and Sleepwalker. Anyways, I fell in love with Tuomas' lyrics after one reading. They were so much deeper than any texts I read before. They had this something, they were somehow... magical. Reading 'Dead Boy's Poem' I had to strain myself really hard not to cry (I was travelling with my friends so I didn't want them to see me cry). When I got back home and put the cd on I was... scared. First song on a cd as well as most of the others were much tougher than those two ballads. Much tougher than music I was listening to back then. I thought I wasted some money but remembering the lyrics I decided to give the cd another chance. And another. And yet another. And finally I felt every sound on that album and.. well, that was it. It was June. Later in the summer, when I was a bit tired of Wishmaster after listening to the album 24/7, I bought 'Oceanborn'. And there was this song, called Swanheart:

All those beautiful people
I want to have them all
All those porcelain models
If only I could make them fall

Be my heart a well of love
Flowing free so far above

A wintry eve
Once upon a tale
An Ugly Duckling
Lost in a Verse
Of a sparrow's carol
Dreaming the stars

Be my heart a well of love
Flowing free so far above

In my world
Love is for poets
Never the famous balcony scene
Just a dying faith
On the heaven's gate

Crystal ponds awaits the lorn
Tonight another morn for the lonely one is born

I think you can guess what this song meant for me when I first heard it. There was simply everything I felt. All the grief, longing, unhappy love. Everything. This time I had no friends with me so I let myself shed one or two tears. Some time later I sat over my computer and started creating this Dying Faith. What came up is actually a collage which describes my personality the best. It simple, it's sad, it's thoughtful, it's full of longing and pain, it's black & white. I guess it's my most sincere work. Mainly because I was thinking more about myself and my life when creating it than about the agents. I just used them to show what I felt and how I felt. This is also a work that opened a new 'age' in my creative life. I discovered brushes with this work. You can see the shy attempt to use them for the first time at the borders. =)

I don't know whether this story fits Remember When - after all it was supposed to be more about The X-Files. The series was and still is important to me, I owe a lot to it, too - mainly the fact that I got interested in web-design and graphics. But somehow there is no significant x-memory behind my works. Or maybe it was significant at the time I was creating and I just don't remember it? I don't know. Yet the collage I shared with you today, it's history and that period of my life I will remember forever...